There are moments in life in which we know that the winds of change are about to blow through our lives. When will these winds blow, and will that wind blow gently, or with hurricane strength? Even though I have known that they are coming, I am finding it difficult to accept. I am not prepared, I will never be ready.
I find myself sitting here, trying to figure that out. I am always the calm, cool, and strong one. This time I don't know if I can be that person.
There are emotions flowing through me, some are difficult to express, and some are right there, easily identified. Frustration is the foremost emotion. I see this happening, and there is nothing that I can do. I see my Mama's face as she talks to Daddy, her voice is gentle and she places her hand on his hand ever so gently. She is in the moment, dealing with Daddy and making decisions that he can't make now, doing the things for him that he can no longer do. He doesn't always express it verbally, but I see it in his eyes when we have to do something for him, it takes something away from him. We help him get up from his chair, because he physically can't get up by himself, even in the lift chair. We help him get to the table, because he may not remember where the table is, or why he is going there. We fix his dinner plate for him, because he no longer understands how to fix his plate. When he is finished we help him get back to his chair. We do the things that we can tell, and we do the things that we can't tell. His dignity is almost gone now, trapped in the fog called Alzheimer's. My Mama has done the majority of this, it is a daily ordeal for her. She watches the strongest, most amazing man alive deteriorate in front of her.
If Alzheimer's had an address I would gather an army, and go there, and we could stop it from hurting my family and every other family that has suffered. Not one person would ever have to suffer again from this disease. Not the people that I love, or the people that I don't know, not one person. I wish this on no one, it is too awful for words, and gives me the sickest feeling that I have ever had in my life. There are not enough adequate words to say all of the things that I want to say.
Admittedly, it hurts me deeply for Daddy, that few people will visit. Daddy has touched so many lives, he has done so much for so many. People that claim to love him, people that he has done so much for, people that have been the recipient of his kindness, choose not to visit. They are busy, or claim that it is too upsetting for them to see him, ( do these people think that we enjoy watching this? ) but the truth is that they have allowed selfishness to get in the way of visiting him. I want to tell them all, that this is not about you, this is about Daddy. Visit him while you can. Harsh words perhaps, but that is how I feel.
The time that we have to visit is growing shorter with each day. Yes, it is difficult to visit, but I would not stop going to see him for anything. Daddy would not stop coming to see me just because something had happened to me, and I will not stop going to see him. The love of this daughter for her Daddy is stronger than the love for myself. I am making it through each day, not on my own strength, but leaning on the Everlasting Arms of my Father. He has carried me this far, and He did not bring me this far to drop me. Without that strength, I could not go one breath further.