The time that I have been dreading is coming. Daddy's difficult battle with the Alzheimer's beast is coming to an end. His oxygen levels are low and his physical body is weak and fragile. Daddy was always so strong, as a child, I believed that he was the strongest man in the world.
Daddy, Mama and me
This morning, I walked to his side and smiled and said "Good Morning", he tired to talk to me, and couldn't. I bent down and kissed him and told him that I love him. He looked into my eyes, trying to speak, no sound would come, his lips moved. He looked at me and winked. I wanted to dissolve into tears, but smiled instead. Daddy was letting me know he understood my words and loved me too. He tried to smile, but was not able to.
Uncle John, Gran, Mama, Daddy, Granny and Granddaddy
My grown person brain understands what is happening. My little girl heart is breaking, and longs for the times that I waited for Daddy to get off of the tractor, and ran to meet him. It longs for the times that we stood on the porch, my small hand in his, looking at a nighttime sky that looked like black velvet with twinkling diamonds, and looked as if you could reach out and grab a star. It longs for warm evenings on the porch swing, watching fire flies, or winter evenings spent by the fire toasting marshmallows. It longs for the times that he taught me to do things, build something, check the oil in my car, or any of the million things that he taught me to do. There were so many questions left unasked. I listened to what he told me about the weather. I listened to the wisdom this descendant of a farmer had to share with me. He explained everything to me in a way that I understood. Why do birds fly, how do seeds grow, what kind of bug is that and what does it do,and he told me stories about his life too. As an adult, I asked questions still, and he patiently answered each question. At this moment I would gladly sit on the planters sowing seeds for our garden, as he drove the tractor. I would help him tear down that head, even if I got grease underneath my nails, and I would shuck corn, as we did every year. It was an opportunity to spend time with him, I did enjoy it and learned so much from Daddy, but I am left longing for more of those times. I am finding it difficult to be a grown up about this. My head understands, my heart feels differently about the situation.
We have spent the past few years saying goodbye, it should be easier than this. I guess that no amount of understanding the situation will make it easy to go through. A cure for this disease will not come fast enough. How many victims will the beast take before a cure is found? How much hurt will be imposed before it is stopped?